I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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