I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
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She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
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JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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