Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
