literally had 100 drinks last night.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
