It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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