Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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