I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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