I accidentally had phone sex last night
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
