Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
