Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
