I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
