it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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