the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
