do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
