Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
