Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
