she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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