so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
