how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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