I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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