guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
