My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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