dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
