You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
now i know why i became what i already was.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
