I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
A bitchslap is in order.
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