I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
