just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
