I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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