I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
