lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
