I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Randomize
