im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
