i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
