don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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