Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

we'll go far in life on tits alone.

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(213): View more from California

I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?

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(510): View more from California

I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it

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