i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
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