I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
