My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
