It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
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I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
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When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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