I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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