tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
