I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
