Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
