make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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