wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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