Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
