Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
