My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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