This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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