everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
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