hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize