I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
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