i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
